Depression's Dark Hole

How do you describe depression? Would you describe it as a dark cloud over your soul, an internal hell or an endless road into darkness? Is depression to you the blues once in a while or something that just won’t go away? There is a difference between having sad days and having a serious illness. The blues once in a while is not depression. To me, depression is a dark hole you can’t get out of. It’s an illness,you’re stuck in and just can’t shake. It’s there night and day.

Depression followed me throughout my school years. I can’t remember exactly when I started falling down the dark hole. Was it in first grade when my teacher called me a retard or the years that followed when I was told I’d never be anyone? Was it in seventh grade when my Uncle was killed or the years after when I stopped talking? I think I started falling through all those events. Slowly grade by grade I fell further and further down the hole.

It was my senior year of high school that I fell to the bottom of the hole. I fell all the way down when my cousin was killed in a car accident. I fell so far down I felt like there was no way out. I tried to climb the walls of my hole. I grasped at the roots of hope, but they withered away. I slipped back down to the bottom of my hole. The darkness surrounded me and crept into my soul. The walls of the hole seemed like they were closing in on me.

The things that once gave me joy no longer did, the nights seemed endless, I was lucky to keep food down, sadness smothered me, I couldn’t concentrate and my life seemed hopeless. I started to injure myself and plan my death. I lay at the bottom of the hole in a fetal position with no will to go on. I couldn’t see beyond the dark hole. I was trapped. My only way out was to end it all. I thought my family would be happier if I was gone. I thought I’d finally be freed.

I was wrong.

In therapy I started learning ways to changing my thinking such as changing my negative thought, “I am a hopeless loser,” to “I am strong and I am a winner.” Then I started seeing a psychiatrist and he put me on antidepressants. The roots of hope became stronger and I began to pull myself up. With one root and one lifeline at a time I edged my way up from the bottom of the hole. My lifelines were therapy, medication and support from my family. I couldn’t do it alone.

It wasn’t easy.

I had to change my thinking, I had to dig up the past and patch up some deep wounds. I had to tell my therapist, my deepest secrets. I had to dig my heels into the side of my hole and climb to the light above. I had to search deep within myself and find determination to find recovery. I had to want to reach the light and I had to want it so bad I could think of nothing else. No matter how you describe your depression, there is a way out. You need to be willing to take the first step of accepting your illness. Then you have to be willing to fight and do what is necessary to reach recovery. You can’t do it alone. Find help. Build a support system, go to therapy, get the right medication and find the determination to get better.

Suicide isn’t the answer. It might seem like an easy out, but it is actually giving up on yourself. You can get better. You can be happy again. You can reach recovery and learn to control your illness. The fight is in you. Look deep in your soul and find your hidden strength and fight. Fight for you, fight for happiness, fight for a better life and fight with all that’s in you. You can do it.

I fought with all of my strength and now I am standing at the top of the hole. I have found happiness. I’m not cured, but I have a strong support system to get me through the rough times. I’m also too strong to allow myself to fall back down the hole of depression. Come on, you can do it. You can stand at the top with me.