I hate pain

“Do you like pain?” Asked the doctor I saw in the hospital after hurting myself.

I was shocked. Why would a person even think I like pain? Of course I needed to be numbed. The big gaping wound on my hand felt like an object was being twisted inside it, and the thought of a needle being pulled in and out of my hand made me want to scream. Did I like pain? He had to be joking.

When self-loathing, dark and useless thoughts take over my mind, emotions fill me like an inferno that turns everything in me to ashes until I have to do something. I tear at my flesh. I feel free. The burning emotions fade and I feel nothing. For a moment, I can't even feel the sting of my wound. I become released from my body. I stand above myself looking down at the sad mess.

Then I suddenly plummet into my body. I drop to my knees crying, “Oh, God it hurts. What have I done?”

I used to cry alone in my bedroom where I always injured trying to think of ways to cover my wound. If someone saw it, how would I explain it? Nobody would understand. It had to be my secret. I rolled up into a ball of tears. I had to stop the pain, the bleeding. I wanted somebody to help me stop this. I needed to injure to stop the anguish, anger and deep sadness that burned within me. Was I crazy?

The truth is I didn’t like causing myself pain. I turned to therapy and medication. I devoted myself to find a way to reach recovery. I started interactive therapy and was given homework to do, such as creating a list of positive things about me and my day. My therapist and I worked on self-esteem, and at home I worked on changing my negative thought pattern, I’m a stupid, good for nothing loser, to a positive, I'm a good and productive person.

A friend helped me make a goal of going one year without self-harming. I researched self-injury treatments and read self-help books. They gave me other alternatives to self-injuring.

I started a network of friends and family to turn to when I felt like giving up. They were the people on the other end of the telephone saying, “Don’t give up, you've come too far. You can beat this. I believe in you.”​

​The hardest fight I have ever faced was to stop self-harming and to reach recovery.

​On my five year anniversary, I married a man who has dedicated himself to helping me stay on the path of recovery. For the first time in my life, I am truly. You can be happy and injury free too.

Here are some resources to use to achieve recovery from self-harming:

• S.A.F.E Alternatives Program

Phone: 1-800-DON’T-CUT or 1-800-366-8288,

https://selfinjury.com/